When Will My Reflection Show

In The Return of the Prodigal Son Henri Nouwen once said “There has been much inner struggle, and there has been mental, emotional, and spiritual pain.” (Nouwen 14), Nouwen’s vulnerable sentiment clearly connects itself to the journey each student undergoes in doing the Great Books program. But as learned through life, sometimes suffering and struggling is necessary to make one all the more beautiful. As I sit here struggling over the words to encapture my entire Great Books program I am, for once, left speechless. Recounting my laughter and my tears all the way to my freshmen year I look at the girl I once was and no longer recognize her. I sit here and ponder over my reflection, as I did indeed select the title purposefully.  In much the same way as the beginning of the song “Reflection” in my younger years, I learned to wear a mask that I thought would make me beautiful to the world but over time, with credit to Great Books and my professors, I have learned to take off the mask and love the reflection looking back at me. I have learned more than I could ever encompass in one essay, but if I was forced to choose just one sentence it would be “I don’t have to wait until all is well, but I can celebrate every little hint of the Kingdom that is at hand” (Nouwen 115) in much the same way, I have learned that I do not have to wait until the world loves me to love my reflection but I can love my reflection simply because the Father is the Creator and loves even little me.

Thinking back to the beginning of my freshman year feels much longer than only two years ago, even seeming at times more proper to say two lifetimes ago. Feelings of excitement and nervousness coursed through my veins every minute of every day. Beginning Great Books I wondered how many great books (pun intended) I would read and how much my mind would be strengthened, never in my wildest dreams did I think the program would produce strengthening of character, faith, and confidence. Throughout the adventure that is Great Books I have acquired several bookshelves worth of books, sweet friends, wise mentors, more knowledge than I even know, and many more things, but I think the one matter most precious is the strengthening of my relationship with the Lord. Someone wise once said that the way you know the Lord effects the way you know yourself and vice versa, throughout the program I have ascertained that statement to be more true than originally thought. While the entirety of Great Books was majorly impactful I must admit that Great Books V will forever hold a special place in my heart and I think some of that is attributed to specifically the retreat.

During the retreat, the strongest memory in my mind is the first meditation of the retreat and the realization that while sitting outside I could see, what felt as though, a million stars. As long as I have been alive I have loved the stars and I remember looking up at the stars and taking note of the differences in brightness. Some of the stars were gleaming in the night sky, catching one’s eye before they had time to realize they were focusing on one in particular. While still others glimmered dimly in the night sky and took a moment of focus and concentration to recognize. The dimmer stars were not any less beautiful than the others, they only took a more keen and observant eye to admire them. How much am I the same? I have never been one to shine fast and bright, I glimmer slowly and surely. In past years it would have been painful to think myself a dimmer star, to think I did not catch the eyes of every stargazer but over time I have found myself to be wonderfully content in my glimmer rather than wishing to be more brilliant or more like the galaxies surrounding me. The retreat nurtured a self-awareness within me and brought one particular verse to mind above all the rest. Proverbs 27:19 says, “As water reflects the face, so one’s life reflects the heart” Great Books has not only made my heart all the more beautiful but in turn, its reflection, my life, all the more beautiful as well and in addition, I can now embrace my reflection so that I might better love my soul, the Father, and the world around me. 

Great Books never intends to take away from who God created you to be, they only wish to unveil the beauty that the world has always been too blind to see. For a moment, consider the stars and the night sky. When in the city amongst the tall buildings, city lights, and smog the stars become almost imperceivable. They merely wink at you faintly through all the distractions and even then it is easily missed. Yet if you drive to the countryside where it is all grass, trees, and moonlight you see that the stars shine brighter than ever before, but it was not the stars that changed it was your perspective. In much the same way Great Books provides you with countryside to provide relief from the constant bustle of the city, they allow you the room to change perspective and think for yourself and wonder what conclusions can be reached simply by thinking. If I could sum up my experience in only a few words it would be, that I began this journey thinking the stars could only ever faintly wink and now I depart looking up at a clear sky with thousands of stars shining, twinkling, and glimmering over my face each night. Though I return to the city, as is eventually necessary, I never forget the brilliance of the stars nor do I forget the path to viewing them once again.