Living in Love

Thomas Merton once said, “The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our image. Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” Merton's idea of love, in a healthy state, being selfless and without expectation connects well to the juxtaposition points from Freud and Dostoevsky's texts on love. Freud writes of love never being selfless and informs the reader of that whereas Dostoevsky writes to aid the reader in realizing their flaw in how they love and tendency to be selfish in love. Sigmund Freud and Fyodor Dostoevsky both speak to the point Merton makes of twisting one to fit our image. Freud and Dostoevsky exhibit an egotistical personality through their works concerning love. Dostoevsky creates The Underground Man as an embodiment of Freud’s idealized man to demonstrate the disastrous effects of narcissism on the self and the community.

Freud begins his work by first addressing that love is an unavoidable feeling, that every single person will experience at some point in their life. Freud observes that people tend to make “love the centre of all things and anticipates all happiness from loving and being loved” (Freud 21). Freud does not discount that love is evident in many things, yet, most critical to his discussion, he argues that it all originates from one type of love: sexual love, which “furnishes a prototype for our strivings after happiness” (Freud 21). Therefore, in Freud’s argument, love stems entirely from the pursuit of happiness. Also, Peter Homans writes an article titled, “Understand thy neighbor as thyself: Freud’s criticism of the love commandment” in which Homans aspires to explore the psychology of narcissism and the self and object-love and find how Freud fits himself into the ideas. "Therefore a cohesive, well-structured self is essential and identical with self-love or 'normal narcissism,' and it is the psychological grounding for other-regarding behavior (object-love)” (Homans 323) a quote from Heinz Kohut commenting on Freud and his works directly. Kohut suggests that there is a normal level of narcissism in which one must consider themselves and their desires. Placing the idea of “normal narcissism” into a more plain terminology, normal narcissism could be equated to caring first for one's survival and then caring for others after. Not to overuse the cliche, but in the event of an emergency when on a flight one must place the mask on one's self before helping another place the mask on themself. Enacting the care for one's self first ensures survival but also assures future ability to care for another and continue to generate aid towards the community. In contrast to the aforementioned normal narcissism, Kohut states that there is a pathological narcissism “On the other hand, an incompletely formed or fragmented self is the basis for the kind of self-absorption referred to as 'pathological narcissism' or 'egoism'..” (Homans 323) in the previous quote Kohut's description of pathological narcissism evidences a clear connection to Freud's views of love. For instance, Freud makes the statement in his work “If I love someone, he must be worthy of it in some way or other…. He will be worthy of it if he is so like me in important respects that I can love myself in him” (Freud 50) Freud displays a blatant self-absorption akin to Kohut's description of pathological narcissism in the statement. Homans confirms Freud's displays of pathological narcissism by quoting Kohut in his conclusions that characteristics symptomatic of pathological narcissism are “implicit in Freud” (Homans 323). Freud argues that self-absorbed love is best for the community, but it becomes apparent that it's not conducive to a healthy community. 

Subsequently, Dostoevsky writes a work entitled Notes from Underground and paints the portrait of the character referred to as, the underground man. Dostoevsky presents the underground man in many characteristics, but one of the more prominent is his unusual way of receiving delight. The underground man appears to be unfamiliar with the niceties of social cues and being kind, like when he says “I’d gnash my teeth at them, and felt an inexhaustible delight when I managed to upset someone” (Dostoevsky 4). His need for attention becomes apparent and displays the gravity in the inability for social interactions through seeking out negative attention. One instance is seen in interactions with the officer, who “ took [him] by the shoulders and silently- with no warning or explanation- moved [him] from where [he] stood to another place” (Dostoevsky 49), which became even more horrifying when he recounts that the officer “passed by as if without noticing." (Dostoevsky 49). The narrator rages at being ignored, stating, “Devil knows what I’d have given then for a real, more regular quarrel, more decent, more, so to speak, literary!” (Dostoevsky 49). One can begin to infer that he does not understand love in a healthy context because he seeks out negative attention. In “Nihilism and Notes from Underground” Joseph Frank observes that Dostoevsky’s work is one adopted by all types of people even claiming, “No book or essay on the situation of modern culture would be complete without some allusion to Dostoevsky’s figure” (Frank 1). Interpreting Frank’s comment, one can infer the underground man is a relatable character, but not one to be mimicked; rather Dostoevsky creates the underground man to portray how not to live and love. Frank’s commentary sheds light on the author when he says Dostoevsky “believe[s] that man [is] innately evil, irrational, capricious, and destructive; not reason but only faith in Christ could ever succeed in helping him master the chaos of his impulses” (Frank 2). One can glean this statement to be true in the following plight the underground man experiences. The underground man meets the prostitute, Liza. They meet where all good love stories begin, a brothel, and the underground man displays a new boldness in their interaction. As the underground man begins to converse with Liza, he attempts to dissuade her from remaining under the madam’s control, even going as far as to say “But after a year of this life you won’t be the same, you’ll fade” (Dostoevsky 91). The two continue talking, and the underground man tells the reader, “I turned to her with loathing; I was no longer reasoning coldly. I began to feel what I was saying and became excited” (Dostoevsky 92). He then evidences his romanticizing the situation in “I already thirsted to expound my cherished ‘little ideas,’ lived out in my corner. Something in me suddenly lit up, some goal appeared.” (Dostoevsky 92). He then sets out to reveal to Liza this beautiful and dreamy life that she could have but then refers to this as “ the game that fascinated me most of all” (Dostoevsky 93). One can infer from his reference to Liza being a game that he does not want to help Liza, he wants to “win” and transform Liza into his vision of her. He even states “No, how can I fail to get the better of such a young soul?” (Dostoevsky 93) logically it is clear that these are not the words of someone in love, rather someone trying to manipulate another’s feelings and/or thoughts. He continues telling her vivid dream after vivid dream until Liza remarks “It’s as if you… as if it’s from a book” (Dostoevsky 98) the underground man was “painfully twinged by this remark” (Dostoevsky 98) and then makes the reminiscently evil remark “You just wait,” I thought” (Dostoevsky 98) Dostoevsky displays the narcissistic tendency in his desire to hurt someone because he had felt hurt himself. Through these examples of the storyline, it is evident Dostoevsky writes the underground man to warn society from becoming a self-absorbed narcissist and being unable to interact with others.

Later, in interactions with Liza, Dostoevsky points towards the harm pathological narcissism can inflict and through Liza displays how healthy love displays itself. When Liza expresses wanting to leave her life of prostitution he becomes angered and tells her he doesn't care about her and never wanted to save her and Liza responds to his verbal abuse by embracing him. Liza's reaction to being hurt is quite the juxtaposition to his reaction when she unintentionally hurts him. After time spent together, he begins to speak about a “final insult” (Dostoevsky 125) and notes that he suspects it will upset Liza beyond measure. As the ultimate insult, he pays her for her affections (Dostoevsky 127) the act of paying Liza serves to take all the love and meaning out of their time spent together: The ultimate humiliation for Liza, and the ending of the “game” in which he had spoken of when trying to win over her soul. Assuming that the underground man did not love Liza, but rather saw her as a challenge, one can make the connection between Freud’s ideal of love and Dostoevsky’s image of the underground man. Freud discusses love and how one might go about receiving/giving love and begins by quoting the well-known verse from the Bible says, “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself” (Freud 50). Freud states that his love is something special in “My love seems to be a valuable thing that I have no right to throw away without reflection. It imposes obligations on me which I must be prepared to make sacrifices to fulfill.” (Freud 50). Here Freud rightly sees what the verse asks of people. Following the way of Christ demands giving up personal desires to better love another, and to Freud, this seems a silly notion. Why should he give up what he wants for a person he does not even know? Freud believes that love is to be earned and not simply given to just anybody: “If I love someone, he must be worthy of it in some way or other…. He will be worthy of it if he is so like me in important respects that I can love myself in him” (Freud 50) his claim is one of the most important pieces to this puzzle, as it reveals his true motive. He is truly loving himself and enjoying the lifestyle that does not require any true sacrifice on his part. In other words, Freud only loves malleable people whose thoughts can be conformed to his own or people who benefit him in some capacity. Dostoevsky exhibits this same pattern in the underground man and his “game” played with Liza, Dostoevsky takes an impressionable and naive woman and places her in the path of the underground man who finds her an easy target for molding into his idea of perfect.

In conclusion, Freud and Dostoevsky both exhibit an egotistical personality through the practices concerning love. Dostoevsky became aware of the growing popularity to think and love as Freud encouraged people to do, and saw the disastrous effects enacting a narcissistic love would have on the community. Therefore, Dostoevsky writes the underground man to compel an increasing knowledge in the true scenarios such behavior would bring about.